Feelin' Sappy (sung to the tune of 'Feeling Groovy')

Feeling sappy this morning.  Feeling a bit of age this morning.

I say that a lot, but it's usually followed swiftly by someone knocking me down to size.  "You're not old!", or "I'm old!", or "Come back and see me in 25 years and then tell me you're old".  Okay, so I readily admit in terms of actual years and mileage I have on me, I'm not especially old.  But, I refuse to be told how I can feel, and right now I feel old, consarned it all, you whippersnappers!

Truth is, today it was looking at my children that made me feel, well, maybe so not much old, but definitely aging.

I'm truly blessed to be able to spend so much time with them, and to have a wife who wanted one of us home with them so badly that she allows me to do so.  We both agreed long ago that it was my job to do so.  And I treat it as such.  Laundry, vacuuming, mopping, dishes, homework, dinner all fall in the domain of "Chad".  And truth is, I have struggled with that a lot over the years.  It's not the manliest of jobs, after all.  And many a night I've lain awake in bed listening to Stephanie sleeping while the guilt tried to eat me alive.

But over the past year or so I've really tried to slow it down and notice more and pay more attention to the little things.  Last week Michael started the 3rd Grade.  Nicholas, the 1st.  Little Lucas is only a couple of years away from being away from me, too.  If time continues to fly like this, they'll graduate tomorrow.

I think that Stephanie and I both realize that our "baby days" may be over.  We haven't officially called it quits on them, yet, but we're both older now and both beginning to realize that the "new phase" of our lives we always say we're getting ready to enter just may not involve raising anymore children.  It makes me sad.  I've enjoyed every minute that I've had with my babies, but I know that it can't last forever.  MJ will be a teenager before I know it, and God help me if I'm trying to raise teenagers and babies at the same time.

So I stood in the schoolyard this morning just watching all the children from so many families.  I could see Michael at the other end of the blacktop (all by himself in line because he doesn't really need me anymore) and Nicholas on the other, looking small and quiet in his first grade line.  He's growing up, too; can't deny it anymore.  And just when I thought the feelings couldn't consume me anymore, little Lucas walked up to me and asked me to pick him up, and he put his arms around me, kissed me on the cheek, and laid his head on my shoulder and told me he loved me.

Life may indeed be moving on, but I plan on draining it of every stinking minute that I can.

Michael right after his birth - 7/24/2002